What Really Happens to Mort Afterwards
by SavvyKiwi
Summary: This is a comical (well, I tried to make it funny) sequel to "Secret Window". What happens to good ol'Mort anyway? Find out. WARNING: A LOT of random-ness used in here folks.....yeah I'm not too good with summaries, guess you'll just have to read it..
1. Thinking

What Really Happens to Mort Rainey Afterwards.....  
  
Hey people! This here is a funny sequel to Secret Window. Be easy on me—it's my first FanFic. Please, after you're done, R&R it! Extra corn for all who does. (And who knows?? Maybe I'll be nice and throw in some cans of Mountain Dew!)  
  
DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own Secret Window or any of its characters......that all goes to Stephen King. And for the movie, I credit the director.......whoever he may be.......And of, course, I don't own Johnny Depp (but I do have some pretty nice posters of him though ::wink, wink::) ok, is everything savvy?  
  
Oh, before I start, I want you to know that I'm the narrator and instead of putting the boring ol'word "Narrator" down, I'm using my user name "SavvyKiwi". So, "SavvyKiwi" officially means "narrator" now, savvy?  
  
Chapter One: Thinking  
  
(camera zooms in from the sky, onto the beautiful Caribbean water, then out of the mist, the Black Pearl comes into focus.......)  
  
Random Director: CUT!! CUT!! What the hell are you doing?? You're supposed to be writing about Secret Window, not Pirates of the Caribbean!! Wrong movie!!  
  
SavvyKiwi: Why are you telling me what to do? And why is there a camera? I'm not making a movie!!  
  
Random Director: FINE!! Carry on then....  
  
SavvyKiwi: (mutters) People these days........  
  
As I was saying.........or typing.......  
  
(the "camera" zooms in from the sky, onto the beautiful Caribbean water, then out of the mist, the Black Pearl comes into focus and Captain Jack Sparrow appears on the screen....and then you realize that this scene is all on a TV screen in Mort Rainey's cabin. Mort is sitting on the couch eating Dorito's watching Pirates of the Caribbean)  
  
SavvyKiwi: See, you dumb director?? I was going somewhere with this!  
  
Random Director: Uh.......umm.......  
  
SavvyKiwi: OH, YOU GOT SERVED!!!  
  
Anyway, back to the story.........  
  
(Mort Rainey is on his couch, eating, while watching Pirates of the Caribbean, blah, blah, blah, you get the idea......)  
  
Mort: Damn, he's hot!!! (referring to Captain Jack Sparrow)  
  
Obsessed Fan Girls: (drool) You bet he is!!!  
  
SavvyKiwi: (rolls eyes, then flips off TV)  
  
Mort: Hey!! What was that for? It was just getting to the good part!!  
  
SavvyKiwi: It's time to get off of your lazy ass and write another story! You haven't made too much money lately.........  
  
Obsessed Fan Girls: Oh, his ass! She's talking about his ass!! (they faint)  
  
Mort: Fine, fine, I'll write another story......... (mopes up to his loft and opens up Microsoft Word on his computer.)  
  
Chico2: (climbs up onto Mort's lap and Mort strokes his fur)  
  
Mort: What should I write about?  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: You know what to do.  
  
Mort: No, I don't. Why would I be asking if I knew what to write about?  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Think, Mort, think..........  
  
Mort: Hey, did you know that my name means "death" in French? Who woulda thunk? (he says as he picked up a random English-French dictionary.)  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Dammit Mort!! Focus! Write another story on how you killed people!  
  
Mort: Been there, done that. Oh! I know! I'll write an inspirational story for religious people across the nation! (begins typing)  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Since when are you religious?  
  
Mort: (stops typing) I'm not. I'm not allowed within 50 feet of the Bible.  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Then why are you writing about that?  
  
Mort: Cuz Jesus is my homeboy!  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: (rolls imaginary eyes) Oh, puh-lease! Write about something........manly.  
  
Mort: Like.......? (starts deleting his inspirational religious story)  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Like........like your abdomen!! Chicks love muscular dudes!  
  
Obsessed Fan Girls: You bet we do!! (start chanting: ABDOMEN, ABDOMEN.........)  
  
Mort: Damn you abdomen!! (he says as he looks down at his own abdomen) You're officially wasting my time! Speaking of time, what time is it? Jerry Springer might be on. (Wanders downstairs and turns on the TV to find the crowd in the Jerry Springer studio chanting "JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!")  
  
SavvyKiwi: MORT! No one wants to read about you watching TV! You're ruining my story!  
  
Obsessed Fan Girls: We would read about him doing just about anything! He's such a cutie especially with that bed-head of his......  
  
Mort: (annoyed) Then what do you want me to do?  
  
SavvyKiwi: (to no one in particular) Any suggestions?  
  
Obsessed Fan Girls: Get naked!  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Write another story about how you killed people!!  
  
Chico2: Whoof!  
  
Random Person: Go on a date!  
  
SavvyKiwi: I like that suggestion.....the last one, that is.  
  
Obsessed Fan Girls: (groan, stomp out of the theater, but then hurry back in because they don't want to miss anything)  
  
Mort: But with who?  
  
SavvyKiwi: With the next person who knocks on your door.  
  
Mort: FINE! (lays down on couch, then takes off glasses, and falls asleep) 


	2. The Date

What Really Happens to Mort Afterwards....  
  
Hey People!! First of all, before, I begin, I would like to thank my first two reviewers (Esmeralda Sparrow and FunkyFries)!! I LOVE you guys!! LOL. You guys get a life's supply of corn and, as a bonus, 100 zillion gallons of Mountain Dew!!! Oh, no I bet all of you other people who haven't reviewed are jealous. Anywho, my point is, please ::gets down on her knees:: please review!! I'm begging you...........ok, I think I'll start now.........  
  
Chapter Two: The Date  
  
(the "camera" zooms into the cabin showing the forest and the lake to remind everyone that Mort lives in the middle of no where)  
  
Mort: (asleep on the sofa)  
  
2 HOURS LATER  
  
Mort: (still asleep on the sofa, mumbles) RUM! I like rum. Do you like rum? Why is the rum gone?? Bloody pirates! They stole my preciousssss rum..... yes, my preciousssss........  
  
Obsessed Fan Girls: Oh, we love The Lord of the Rings references!!! They have some hotties in there too. (sigh as they think if Legolas, Aragorn, etc...)  
  
(Knock at the door)  
  
Mort: (wakes up, slowly) (groans) Ugh!! Who could that be? (walks sleepishly up to the door and opens it)  
  
SavvyKiwi: (to audience) Who is it folks?? If you said John Shooter, then you are.....  
  
Mort: DONALD TUMP?!?!?!  
  
SavvyKiwi: ........INCORRECT!!  
  
Mort: What are you doing here?  
  
Donald: You're fired! (he says as he does his famous hand gesture thingy, then, starts to exit)  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Since when did you work for him?  
  
Mort: I didn't....... Wait! Donald, can I ask you something?  
  
Donald: (turns around slowly) Uh, sure. (he replies hesitantly) Mort: Can I touch it?  
  
Donald: (confused) Touch what?  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Yeah, touch what?  
  
Mort: Your hair. You know, to see if it is real.  
  
Donald: (slaps Mort) Dammit Mort!! I thought you cared! (storms away and exits in his limo.)  
  
Mort: I didn't deserve that!  
  
SavvyKiwi: (to audience) Oh, Pirates of the Caribbean reference right there! (to Mort) Why didn't you ask him out? You were supposed to ask out the next person who knocks at your door!  
  
Mort: I don't remember agreeing to that!  
  
SavvyKiwi: Well, you did.  
  
Mort: But, I don't wanna!! (goes outside, picks three ears of corn, places them into a pot of boiling water; goes to the refrigerator and pulls out a can of Mountain Dew) Do the Dew!  
  
Obsessed Fan Girls: (squeal like little piglets, then rush to the local Wal-Mart to buy cases upon cases of Mountain Dew)  
  
SavvyKiwi: I'm arranging for someone to be at the fancy restaurant downtown..... you better be there! Wait..... of course you'll be there, I have complete control over you! (evil laugh) Who is laughing? It's not me cuz my "evil" laugh is amusing.  
  
Mort: Whatever! (bites into corn)  
  
SavvyKiwi: Mort! You're going to ruin you appetite!!!  
  
Mort: But I like corn........... and Dorito's.............. and Mountain Dew.......... and for some strange reason I've become obsessed with rum. And I don't know why!! I even dream about rum.........  
  
SavvyKiwi: That's all fine and dandy, but you need to get dressed to go on your date!! NOW!! (shoves Mort into his bedroom)  
  
Obsessed Fan Girls: Can we see him get dressed?? (as they sip their Mountain Dew)  
  
ABOUT AN HOUR LATER (exterior: a fancy red brick building, with beautiful gardens covering the area, along with water fountains that change colors, blah, blah, blah........ it's fancy and lets just leave it at that)  
  
(Mort sits at his booth waiting for his date to arrive)  
  
5 MINUTES LATER  
  
(Obsessed Fan Girl enters the restaurant with her boyfriend. She screams!)  
  
Obsessed Fan Girl: Ahhhhh!!! Look! It's Johnny Depp!! Omg!! I'm your biggest fan! (rushes over to Mort leaving her boyfriend awkwardly standing at the front desk) Omg, I've seen all of your movies..... read all of your interviews (rambles on like this for a few minutes) Can I have your autograph? (pulls out Pirates of the Caribbean DVD and soundtrack, Secret Window DVD, T-shirts of him, ok, you get the idea....)  
  
Mort: Who the hell is Johnny Depp?  
  
Obsessed Fan Girl: (laughs hysterically)  
  
Mort: What's so funny? (pulls out a random hammer)  
  
Obsessed Fan Girl: (stops laughing) What's with the hammer?  
  
Mort: It's the thing I'm going to kill you with!! (evil music starts playing in the background)  
  
Obsessed Fan Girl: Why a hammer?  
  
Mort: Because my screwdriver is in Chico1. (starts crying hysterically) WHY?? Why did I do that?? Why, why, why.........  
  
Obsessed Fan Girl: (squeals) Omg! I'm going to be killed by Johnny Depp! I've gotta call my friends......... (takes out her cell phone to call other Obsessed Fan Girls)  
  
Mort: (bangs hammer on top of her head) That felt good!  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: You bet it did! Now, go write a story about it.  
  
Mort: NO! I don't have to listen to you! You were the one who thought my inspirational story for religious people across the nation sucked!  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Well, it did.  
  
Mort: NO IT DIDN'T!!!! (he shouts as he stands up and knocks over a table)  
  
(people in the restaurant stop eating and stare at him)  
  
Mort: What? (slowly sinks back down into the seat) Where is my date anyway? (he mutters to himself)  
  
SavvyKiwi: Mort, I think it's best that you leave.  
  
Mort: (shouts again) WHAT? YOU WERE THE ONE WHO DRAGGED ME DOWN HERE AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE??  
  
SavvyKiwi: Yes! And don't be getting an attitude with me, young man! (drags him by the ear out of the restaurant) Now, go home!  
  
Mort: But......  
  
SavvyKiwi: NOW!  
  
Mort: (mutters) fine, fine...........  
  
Ah, so did you like it? Hated it? Please let me know!! Also, if you have a suggestion on what the next chapter should be about, please let me know!! Extra corn for all who review!! LOL...... stay tuned to find out what happens next....... 


	3. Freakin' Job Hunting

What Really Happens To Mort Afterwards....  
  
And so it continues......... Yeah, I would like to thank my latest reviewers, inDEPPendent01 and FunkyFries, for reviewing!! PB&J sandwiches for both of you!! Lol.......ok, I'm done here...........  
  
Chapter Three: Job Hunt  
  
(It's a rainy day, and Mort is inside his cabin eating a PB&J sandwich while watching "The Price is Right")  
  
TV: Come on dowwwwwwwnnnnn.......  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Seriously, Mort, you need a life!  
  
Mort: I have a life! I'm breathing, aren't I? (mutters to himself) Unlike my ex-wife.... (gets evil look in his eyes)  
  
Obsessed Fan Girls: Oh! Don't you just love when he looks evil like that??  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: (rolls imaginary eyes) You know what I mean! All you ever do is eat, sleep and watch TV. You really are pathetic!  
  
Mort: So? And you point is....? (takes a huge bite of his sandwich, causing jelly to fall into his lap, which he takes care of by wiping it up with his thumb, then licks it off of his thumb)  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Ewwww! You disgust me!  
  
Mort: That's your point? That I disgust you?  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: No! My point is that there had been no excitement since you killed your ex-wife.  
  
Mort: But, what about meeting Donald Trump? Or killing that girl that thought I was someone named Johnny Depp? Wasn't that exciting?  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Nah.......what I mean is you made money when you killed your ex-wife.  
  
Mort: (confused) How's that?  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Well, that inspired you to write that story, and you made some money off of that, didn't you?  
  
Mort: (ponders on that for a moment) Well......yeah, I guess. But I tried to write that inspiration story for religious people across the nation!  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Oh, would you give that up already?!?! That would have been a suckie story, anyway!  
  
Mort: No it wouldn't!  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Yes it would!  
  
Mort: No it wouldn't!  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Yes it would!  
  
Mort: No it wouldn't!  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Yes it would!  
  
(it goes on like this for, like, 30 minutes or so)  
  
Mort: What were we arguing about?  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: I have no idea.  
  
Mort: Ok.....I need some corn!  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Hey, why don't you get a new job?  
  
Mort: (bites into corn) Hmmmm........I dunno........ I have always wanted to be a fireman......  
  
Obsessed Fan Girls: Oh! A fireman!! How sexy! Johnn....er, we mean Mort Rainey, all sweaty, with a sexy fire hat on, and a yellow jacket covered in ashes from the fire.....WOW! And we thought he was hot as a pirate!  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Fireman, eh? Isn't that, like, every young boys dream? To be a fireman, astronaut or cowboy when they grow up?  
  
Mort: Yeah, I guess.... Besides, I think I would be tempted to kill someone, you know, all I would have to do is leave them in the burning building....... Nah, I don't wanna be a fireman anymore.  
  
Obsessed Fan Girls: Oh, man! And we were getting sooo excited, too!  
  
Mort: I'll find a job on the internet.  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Whatever floats your boat......  
  
(Mort goes upstairs and starts searching for a job on his computer when porno pops up onto the screen)  
  
Mort: (irritated) Don't you just HATE pop-up ads....... oh, what do we have here?  
  
(Mort looks at the porno for about an hour, when he realizes why he came up here in the first place)  
  
Mort: Oh, yeah, I was supposed to go job hunting....hmmm........let's see.....oh, there's a job opening to sell tickets at the movie theatre.......and opening to work at a hardware store......that's about it. What should I do?  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Keep in mind the abdomen, man! Like I said before, chicks LOVE muscular dudes!  
  
Obsessed Fan Girls: You said it!  
  
Mort: So, I take it you want me working at the movie theatre, eh?  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: No, you idiot!...........  
  
Mort: Ha-ha! Gotcha! I'm not that dumb! I knew you were implying that I should work at the hardware store, you know, cuz it's manly and stuff........  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Damn! You're good! You fooled your own conscious!  
  
Mort: (satisfied) Hey, what can I say? All in a days work, I suppose.  
  
Mort's Voice-Inside-His-Head: Now go apply for that job.  
  
Mort: Okie dokie!  
  
Yeah, I think I had writers block on that chapter—it wasn't that funny. Oh well, deal with it. j/k. The next one will be funnier, savvy? Oh, which reminds me, I didn't even use myself (SavvyKiwi) in this chapter. Oh, well. Anywho, if you have comments and/or suggestions, please, please let me know!!! I do use suggestions—and I have proof!! FunkyFries said that stuff about the PB&J sandwiches and I used it in there!! Oh, you got served! Ha-ha, j/k. That was dumb, I know. Ok, well, as Captain Jack Sparrow would say, "Ta!" 


End file.
